I will never Spank again

The Bromley Butt confined in “spanks” ä 




Have you ever turned around only to whip someone or something with your ass?  I do this everyday.  You’d think I’d get used to having it there, but I constantly forget how far my rear juts out.  “Oops.  Sorry.  I forgot that was there.”  Or, “Wow has THAT GROWN recently.  Sorry.”  I knock things off tables.  I smack small children down to the floor.  It’s not a bad trait for swimming.  I carry my own buoy.  But then again, swimming requires a swimming suit.  Not my best friend.


 I was “blessed” with the Bromley butt.  I call it a butt-thigh. This particular trait was handed down from my mom’s side of the family and has been with me since childhood.  To be truthful, the size of my butt may be partly genetics but it is also partly my meat and potatoes upbringing along with my love of refined sugars, flours and grease.  Since I was small, I envied the butt-smile.  Kim has one.  Her ass has a definite ending point and her leg has a definite beginning point thus you see a butt-smile.  I don’t have that.  My butt blends into my thigh.  There is no beginning.  No end.  Just a continuation of ass.  The Bromley butt manifests differently on each of us.  The trait is more about proportion than it is about size.  We aren’t all large women, but no matter what size we are, we got BACK and plenty of it to share.  This has made losing weight particularly disturbing to me because no matter what my size, my butt is two sizes bigger than the rest of me.


Today I must apologize to my rear.  Today I had an interview, and in an effort to dismiss my maternal side of the family I decided to manipulate myself into a girdle-like spandex contraption that looked like it would have to be surgically removed.  “Spanks” they are called.  A friend recommended them and she must feel the need to punish herself severely for something she’s done in a past life because she wears them EVERYDAY.  Spanks are actually a pretty good name for them because whoever invented them should be spanked and not just once.  Spanked over and over again for causing such physical pain in the name of beauty. 


I actually checked out my fanny in the mirror prior to my interview, the spanks really do their job.  I looked smooth and smaller.  I couldn’t take a full breath.  But I had an illusion of a butt-smile.  I headed off to the interview.  Driving was particularly difficult.  Apparently a person isn’t meant to sit in spanks.  Walking was particularly difficult.  Apparently a person isn’t meant to stand in spanks. I got to the interview ten minutes early.  I headed to the restroom, not because I needed to go, but because I needed to breathe.  I had to take a flight of stairs.  Stairs were particularly difficult.  Apparently a person isn’t meant to take stairs in spanks.  I found the restroom.  I sat on the pot, breathing in, breathing out, and attempting to store up on the oxygen that wouldn’t be available for the next hour.  I finagled myself back into the torture and headed to the interview, trying to smile, but it is so difficult to smile when an external force is re-arranging your inner organs at its pleasure. 


Not sure how the interview went.  I was umm a little bit distracted.  As soon as it ended, I again paid the ladies room a visit only this time to rip the spanks off, deposit them in the bathroom trash and vow to never ever EVER pour myself into such hatred ever again.


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8 Responses to “I will never Spank again”

  1. Keri Says:

    First of all, I love you. This is so damn funny that I’m reminding you to sit down and write More OFTEN. I so relate to every single word.
    Damn that Lauren!

  2. the other sister Says:

    Where can I get some?

  3. DOUG Says:

    speaking of spanks the lady in the play in last blog ( dance teacher ) needs some

  4. Carrie Says:

    I own a pair…..bought them, wore them once, relegated them to the bottom of my underwear drawer.
    Long live the Bromley butt!

  5. Kelly Says:

    ruth, i love you and your butt… 🙂

  6. Carrie Says:

    You’re not writing….

  7. Amy B Says:

    I own a couple of pairs and I do not remember them being that much toture.

  8. the other Says:

    Amy doesn’t have a Bromley butt so she has no idea. And Carrie is right you’re not writing. You are ruining my morning routine -wake up, drag myself to the coffee pot, drink coffee, read your blog-

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