Either/Or instead of Both/And

I was at a fabulous coffee shop called Cafe Mestizo with friends last night and needed to use the restroom.  I walked into the restroom only to find urine (and hair – yuck!) all over the seat.  I reached to get toilet paper to wipe it off but….you guessed it.  No toilet paper.  So I reached for a paper towel and pulled it out.  It was the last paper towel in the container.

At this moment I realized that if I used the paper towel to clean off the seat then I would be stuck having to drip dry.  Since I was not so keen on finishing my red-tea latte while drying, I weighed my options.  I thought about going in the men’s room, but I was already doing the pee-pee dance there in the women’s room.  I wasn’t sure I’d make it.  I decided that I would have to urinate while squatting.  (I really want to use the word moist here.  In part because it is fitting, and in part, because Kim detests the term moist, but moist really is the term that I was trying to avoid throughout the rest of my night out at the coffee shop.)

This was never easy for me.  Squatting.  I never really had the strongest core muscles anyway, and separated stomach muscles along with two c-sections hasn’t helped that particular region much.  I squatted and peed.  Peed and squatted.  As my tummy muscles gave out, I squatted less and less.  I was almost standing straight up, splashing pee all over the already splashed toilet seat.  I finished up, proud of myself for hanging on to the last paper towel.  Wiped.  Tossed the paper towel.  (No. Not in the toilet.  In the trash can like a good coffee-shop patron.)  Washed my hands.  Dripped dry my hands and exited.

I told the barrister that the women’s room needed attended to, and went back to playing cards with my friends.  He thanked me and headed to the women’s room at which point I realized that it would look like all of the urine on and around the toilet seat was mine.  And that just wasn’t true.  How is a person supposed to explain to the coffee shop attendant that there was only your pee on the seat because there wasn’t toilet paper and there was only one paper towel and there was pee there even before you walked in?  It just didn’t look good no matter what I did.  So I simply smiled as he returned.

I got home and relayed the story to Kim.  Her only question was: Why didn’t you wipe down the seat AFTER you wiped yourself?  Hmm.  Good question.  I simply never thought of it.

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8 Responses to “Either/Or instead of Both/And”

  1. Carrie Says:

    Hmmm…not sure I really have a comment for this one.

  2. Sedalb Says:

    Why didn’t you just tear the paper towel in half? They are plenty big enough.

  3. the other Says:

    That’s when you tell them “the bathroom was so gross that I didn’t dare use it and please let me know when it is useable” then you go in afterward and pretend to use it again.

  4. Kelly Says:

    it could have been poo…

  5. kim Says:

    happy to report that i used this very bathroom earlier today. it was clean. there was toilet paper (two rolls), paper towels, and soap!

  6. Kelly Says:

    i heart kim!

  7. SK Says:

    When I’m in a simular situation that requires squatting I lift to toliet seat up with the tip or bottom of my shoe squat, do my bussiness, flush and let the seat smack down with a big “clack” with my shoe, wash ny hands and continue you on with my night. This usually means I am drunk or well on my way to be drunk. I have mastered doing this maneuver while being 3 sheets to the wind.

  8. SK Says:

    When I’m in a simular situation that requires squatting I lift to toliet seat up with the tip or bottom of my shoe squat, do my bussiness, flush and let the seat smack down with a big “clack” with my shoe, wash ny hands and continue you on with my night. This usually means I am drunk or well on my way to be drunk. I have mastered doing this maneuver while being 3 sheets to the wind.

    Drinking and commenting, not a good idea.

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