Goodbye Lucy, Hello Jasper

Lucy – our 11 year old Saturn- and the first purchase Kim and I made together, has gotten too old for us to take care of her.  I know she has a good 30 or 40 thousand miles left in her, but she’s at that point in her life that she needs a little bit of TLC.  But TLC takes TIME.  Time is what we don’t have.  Over the past year Lucy needed new tires.  Then she needed a “tune up.”  Then it started burning oil.  Now the radiator is leaking fluid.  I mean, if its not one thing its another.  And since we haven’t gotten the time to invest in her, she sits for weeks at a time in our driveway while Kim has shuttled Casey to daycare, Riley to school, me to work, and  back again.  Being an unpaid shuttle driver just isn’t the best way to write a dissertation. 

So on Friday when we found out Lucy had a crack in her radiator, we decided it was time for a new car.

Only this is the first time in my life that I decided on a purchase where I couldn’t actually afford the purchase I was making.  Please.  No judgment.  I’m an American.  It must be in my genetic structure.  Besides, I feel like I’m doing my part to get the recession over with.  Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?  Spend!

I called my dad to get some advice on how much under the MSRP sticker we ought to be getting, and how to know when a salesman is screwing with you etc?  My dad’s advice was pretty deep.  And accurate.  First he said, if you buy a car, you get took . Its as simple as that.  Then he said, and this is where is gets profound.  My father confessed to me that, HE’D RATHER BE A PIANO PLAYER IN A WHORE HOUSE THAN BE A CAR SALESMAN. 

I thought he was exaggerating a bit, but after a long day at dealership after dealership and getting the same lines, I realized he’s right on. 

Don’t let them leave.  Make them think you’re their best friend.  Make sure they know you have no problems with their homosexuality.  Hell, tell them a story about your only gay cousin.  Or better yet, your gay friend!  Let them know you’re the only guy in town who is honest, and how much return business you get.  Don’t look desparate.  Pretend cars are flying off the lot.   Make sure to get them talking about montly payment, not interest rate. 

It’s a racket.  And it’s the same game all over town.

We did end up buying a car.  A car we’ve already named Jasper.  Another Subaru (why mess with perfection.)   I’m pretty sure we got took.  I mean, we left with a car, so I’m pretty certain about it.  I couldn’t quite bear trading in Lucy for a mere $750, so we’re selling her ourselves to a good friend who will keep her in the family for a while at least, and maybe by then my slow-to-transition children will be able to part with her. 

And my new best friend named Terry sold me the car.  He bought my son a soda while we were negotiating.  I guess I’m supposed to think, “Ahh this guy bought my son a 50 cent soda, he’s a real swell guy.”  Really I just thought to myself, “this guy has no idea the hyperactivity he just opened up with the crack of that can lid.”  So while Riley bounced around the dealership, I signed my name on the dotted line.  And that’s when I decided that I’d rather be a WHORE than a car salesman.  ACTUALLY, I’D RATHER BE A WHORE IN THE SAME WHORE HOUSE WHERE MY FATHER PLAYS PIANO.


4 Responses to “Goodbye Lucy, Hello Jasper”

  1. Carrie Says:

    Wait, wait, is this a family business?

  2. Keri Says:

    You make me laugh. Every. Single. Time.
    Welcome home, Jasper!

  3. Doug Hackford Says:

    what do you call a car that needs a tune up burns oil has a radiator leak USED and what did you do with this USED CAR you sold it there is all so a name for a person that sells a family member named lucy

  4. Michael Givens Says:

    That was hilarious. Good to see you can keep up your sense of humor after taking on Car Salesman.
    Next time you need to buy a new car try the website You can get dealer quotes to your e-mail accounts. Sherree’ and I bought are two honda civics online, we had multiple dealers trying to outbid each other to get our business. We ended up buying two for under 12,000 dollars each.

    Take it easy, Talk to you later, Mike

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