A coconut for the nuts

Two weeks ago we had my 14 year old nephew stay with us for the week to take care of Riley during the day . School got out one week and summer school didn’t start until the next full week, so Squishy came out to keep Riley company. Riley LOVES hanging out with teenagers. He feels so important being included in the video games and the electric guitar sessions, and the late nights. Squishy is a beautiful kid with an appetite of a horse. We could not keep the food in the house. I think the boys sat home each day and ate. Then we’d get home at night and they’d eat. Bedtime would come and they’d eat. Squishy apparently even eats more at home due to 2-a-day football practices. I don’t know how my sister can afford to feed him. We bought some special sorbet for the week. Fruit sorbet served in the natural fruit. There was lemon sorbet in a half lemon. There was pineapple in part of a pineapple shell, but the boys loved the coconut sorbet the best. They held onto the coconuts and jokingly put them under their shirts. They were so stinkin’ cute together. Anyway, the coconuts became his new favorite toy and I promised not to throw them away….for awhile at least. The week passed, summer school started, and Squish went home. As an aside, my sister said he lamented for the entire week how he almost starved to death at our house because we never fed him enough and what we fed him tasted like tofu and cardboard. What? Tofu and cardboard?

A few days ago Riley was over at a friend’s house after summer school riding bikes when a neighborhood kid on his own bike ran out in front of Riley and cut Riley off. “On PURPOSE!”, he asserts. Riley swerved to miss the kid and ran Smack. Dab. Into a tree. I told Riley that next time he ought to just run into the kid but instinct, poor planning, or whatever led to his impact with said tree. The tree won. And poor Riley racked himself in his precious parts. This is the first time Riley has ever had an injury THERE beyond a tiny bump. Until this event Riley had no idea how painful his privates could be. I’m told that as soon as he was able to take in a breath of air, he promptly screamed an obscenity. Later he told me, “You’d say Fuck too Mamma, if you had a penis.” (Indeed I would.)

He also tried to strip down naked right there in the middle of the sidewalk, bike and self smashed against a tree. The dad of the friend whose house Riley was at ran outside to make sure that Riley was okay. This dad is a real sweet guy. And we adore him. But he’s got a big voice and a big presence, and he’s physically a very big man and he’s not quite used to boys like Riley. You know, sissies. Riley was wailing. Carrying on. As I said before, Riley was also stripping. Right there in the sidewalk to assess the damage.

Friend’s Dad, “Dude, you gotta take care of your junk in private man. Come on. Lets go inside and I’ll get you a wet towel, and you can gather yourself back together.”

Riley, through sobs of drama“But. I. Can’t. Walk.”

Friend’s Dad, “You gotta be a man, man!.”

Riley, through DEFENSIVE  sobs of drama, “Boys can cry. Men cry too.”

Friend’s Dad, “Of course we do son. But we don’t do it in the street.”

Riley, “When we get hurt in the street we do. I want my MOM. N.O.W!”

So the dad drove Riley home and Kim promptly started mothering Riley. He took a cool bath and then stripped down on the couch to watch a re-run of the Golden Girls with a bag of frozen peas on his lap. He insisted he needed to go directly to the emergency room. And I even called my DAD to ask at what point you take your kid with his swollen and bruised ball sac to the ER. My Dad people. I talked to my dad about my kids penis. Meanwhile Riley can’t pee. (It hurts.) He can’t eat. (It hurts.) He can’t cough. (It hurts.) Apparently getting sacked in the sac feels a lot like a C-section. Except with a C-section you get a baby. And with the other injury you just might never get a baby.

In any case, Riley carried on all night. We even had to let him ride in the wagon for our nightly walk. Because, that’s right, it hurt to walk. After dinner, Riley’s friend and both his parents stopped in to check on Riley. The dad also wanted to make sure we felt he handled the injury okay. He said he was uncomfortable dealing with someone else’s kid and he was worried about “doctoring” Riley. He wanted to be sympathetic but also keep those privacy boundaries. In retrospect, he felt like he could have been more sympathetic. (I love this guy. He is so darn sweet.) In any case, he gave me the above commentary between him and Riley right after the “incident.” They left. And we finally got Riley to sleep.

The next day Riley awoke and seemed to be in good spirits. He got up and got dressed for school. He acted like nothing was wrong. I was afraid to even mention anything because I didn’t want it to remind him that he got hurt. I couldn’t help it though. About the time we were to walk out the door for school/work, I asked him if he felt better. He replied that he did. And then he leaned over and whispered that he was wearing the coconut shell he saved from the sorbet.

He was wearing a coconut cup. And no convincing otherwise could have gotten it off of him.


11 Responses to “A coconut for the nuts”

  1. Carrie Says:

    I’ll comment as soon as I stop laughing…like maybe tomorrow?

  2. ohchicken Says:

    omg i LOVE your son. thank you for this fabulous story. i don’t even have a sac and mine hurts.

  3. Sheri Says:

    This is terrific! I can’t decide if Riley is going to love you or hate you for writing down all these stories… only time will tell.

  4. Siera Says:

    Oh man that story is too freaking funny!

  5. kim Says:

    long live the sissy! may he always be so dramatic – so ingenious – so articulate – and so in need of his mommas…

  6. kateecee Says:

    too funny! well, not the pain part. i don’t know your kid but i like him already! 🙂

  7. Doug Hackford Says:

    funny no you take a teen age boy try to starve him to death you laugh win a boy gets hurts no not funny

  8. shawnette Says:

    This is too cute!

  9. Derick Says:

    I almost peed my pants laughing. Indeed, I would have said F*** too!! I miss you guys!

  10. J-kay Says:

    WoW, what a guy! Poor Riley!

  11. Lesa Says:

    I feel bad laughing about Riley’s pain. But seriously, I can’t stop. OK I’m not laughing about his pain, I am laughing about the way he handled it. Poor guy.

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